Polygamy.. My non magical solution


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Oh you men.. You’re just the same all over the world! Here comes the call for help again & again: “My husband wants to marry another woman..”

And to be honest, we –women- are also the same, and by “we” here I mean the first wives, cuz seriously there are other women in this world too!

Now back to the question: “What will I do if (actually it’s: when) my husband wants to remarry another wife? I simply can’t stand that situation”

Come on ladies, clear your minds and hearts and let’s discuss it from the beginning:

I assume myself to have lots of friends of different backgrounds and I assume myself also to be a good open-minded reader. So what I’ll list now is some info & phenomena based on my personal observation for years. For more scientific approach, evidence would need citation, which is not the situation here.

1- Lots of men tend to want another partner, so in a free community, infidelity is a common problem, while in a Muslim conservative community, polygamy is the issue.

2- My girl friends who approached thirties, received lots of marriage proposals from married men in the past few years. And surprisingly (only at that time) they think about them, and here are some of their feedback:
– I will refuse cuz I don’t want to be number 10 in his priorities list after his first wife and kids.
– I’m afraid I might accept cuz I’m getting old, I don’t receive other proposals & I’m in a deep physical & emotional need of a husband.
– All my married friends claim that their husbands hint for the second marriage issue, so if that is going to happen anyway, why don’t I accept to be the delightful second wife instead of being the testy first wife?
– Real men are already married, other grooms-to-be are too “soft” to be my MAN.

Then extra-info if you are a Muslim:

1- Polygamy is allowed.

2- Lots –if not most- of the Prophet Companions did it actually.

3- Be true to yourself: if you are claiming to be a good Muslim while actually you don’t like something that doesn’t go with your preferences, then you will have to re-think about that religion.

4-      Don’t bother yourself with issues like: he cannot take care of 2 houses, he can never be just,..  If your husband chose to marry another woman, he is the one who will be accounted for that, not you.  So concentrate on yourself and leave his judgment to Allah.

By this part of the post, I know you are shocked, but please be honest and spend time & effort in order to see clearly the whole big picture. And after all I’m not promoting for polygamy, I’m just trying to advise you to deal practically with something very common. What if someone is telling you about a successful divorce story, would he/she be promoting for divorce?? No.. We are just trying to get the best out of what we already have.

Anyway, here’s the non magical solution that I’m suggesting: Two parallel workplans at the same time:

ME & WE

The ME plan:
This plan can be applied to anybody, not only a wife “defending” her marriage.
Goal: That I would be a self-controlled, self-satisfied, balanced, happy, productive, closely connected to Allah regardless of being married or not, having kids or not, having a great job or not…
Condition: Do it to live a better life not to stop your husband from re marrying.

Steps:
What did I tell you before getting married 🙂 ?
1- A clear vision for life
We are not living here forever. It’s a trip. Then eternal life in the place which we chose to invest in.. hopefully Paradise by Allah’s mercy.

Life is a series of tests. Some tests are easy, others are difficult. Some tests are short, others are long.

What if my husband married another woman?? What’s the weight of that “problem” compared to what people face from real problems all over the world? Compared to a Palestinian lady who lost her husband & her sons defending their land? To a young man who lost his eyes defending his freedom in Egypt? To a starving child in Somalia? To a Syrian family who don’t know whether their son is alive or not? …….. etc

Put things in their proper place.

2- Nurture yourself
• When was the last time that you read a book for your own mental interest?
• When was the last time you met your school friends?
• When was the last time you played sports?
• When was the last time you practiced your favourite hobby?
• Have you ever been to a spa? Have you tried massage?
• When was the last time you volunteered?
• When was the last time you attended a lecture? Went to a concert?
• How often do you read Qur’an? Learn tafseer?
• When was the last time you cooked for yourself, your favourite dish?
If you say I don’t have time for that “luxury” then I would tell you that this is the answer of the loosers.
COME ON… Create some time for yourself… You will discover that you are missing important things in life. You are responsible for your happiness, not your husband nor your kids.

The WE Plan:
We said we are happy whether married or not, but that doesn’t mean we’re gonna ignore our husbands. Problems can get you closer than you ever thought.
Goal: Improving our quality of life as a couple. Enjoying this gift that others don’t have.
Condition: Again: Do it to live a better life not to stop your husband from re marrying.

Steps:
1- Be the woman he fell in love with
Probably he didn’t fell in love with a whining fat frowning depressed lady. Don’t say he is the reason to what I am now. Be responsible, take an action & stop whining.

2- Try to find time for both of you away from the kids. Ask for help from your family, friends, neighbours.. and plan for a dinner with your husband alone, a walk, a trip.. whatever you can afford.

3- Refresh your bed life
Till I find the most proper way to post about this issue, here are some advices:
– Do kegel exercise a lot.
– Drink ginger tea a lot.
– Don’t get frustrated easily and be a strategic planner, if it didn’t go as you wished now, build accumulatively for other “meetings”.
– Since you are reading this now, this means you can go online & search for useful info to boost your sexual life.

4- Avoid listening to love songs or watching romance movies, they are talking about illusions my dear.

Finally, the above so-called plans will not guarantee that your husband will stop thinking of second marriage, but they can guarantee that you will be living a better life, Good luck 🙂

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7 thoughts on “Polygamy.. My non magical solution

  1. Salam Heba … i was so happy to have found your website … i am reading it eagerly … i stumbled upon this article and i love your way of expressing yourself and analyzing things … i have no comments or objections but praise here … i just believe it ought to be a form of self expression without having to use the phrase “Polygamy is allowed” since what you said is extremely debatable and needs more “scientific proof” … the use of “is” especially when “italic” gives the impression that the issue is agreed upon and very clear while it’s far from it …
    wish you all the very best … will continue reading the rest of your articles ……

    1. Salam dear bro/sis (as I couldn’t figure out who u r :))
      I’m always grateful for everyone who passes by my blog, & spend some of his/her time reading what I write.
      Yes I’m expressing my own opinion after my humble research, but of course I’m too far from giving fatwa, if that what u meant.
      Especially that marriage (whether the first or the forth) is one of the issues that could take the five verdicts:
      Obligatory, preferred (desirable), allowed, hated or forbidden according to each case.
      Many thanks 4 passing by

  2. I love your energy Heba, this is a very well written article, your ideas are loud and clear.
    After studying Sharia for so many years i came to change my whole approach towards polygamy, i NO LONGER believe it’s “allowed” as such, i would always recommend that people go back to the verses in the Quran and read them with a fresh mind and eyes, read them as a whole without skimping or jumping into conclusions, just read and understand them within thier context as context is always a key to understanding Islamic law.
    Too much pressure is put upon women, not much on men when it comes to marriage, sometimes our women have all the righ to feel pain and unjustice, it’s a complicated issue and i don’t want to start giving lectures here. Last I must confess that i believe with every brain cell inside my head and every part of my soul that women have been wronged in the name of Islam (not in Islam) … her rights were never fully recovered and understood as were laid in the time of the prophet … religion has been considered an all men club for so long ,and changing that would take more than a shift in attitude.
    Thank you for letting us into your soul 🙂

  3. آه من المرأة..آه منها وعليها.. كم عليها أن تحتمل!
    بغض النظر عن رأيي بالمقال .. سعيدة جداً بتواجدي بمدونة انسانة رائعة مثلك..

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