Oh you men.. You’re just the same all over the world! Here comes the call for help again & again: “My husband wants to marry another woman..”
And to be honest, we –women- are also the same, and by “we” here I mean the first wives, cuz seriously there are other women in this world too!
Now back to the question: “What will I do if (actually it’s: when) my husband wants to remarry another wife? I simply can’t stand that situation”
Come on ladies, clear your minds and hearts and let’s discuss it from the beginning:
I assume myself to have lots of friends of different backgrounds and I assume myself also to be a good open-minded reader. So what I’ll list now is some info & phenomena based on my personal observation for years. For more scientific approach, evidence would need citation, which is not the situation here.
1- Lots of men tend to want another partner, so in a free community, infidelity is a common problem, while in a Muslim conservative community, polygamy is the issue.
2- My girl friends who approached thirties, received lots of marriage proposals from married men in the past few years. And surprisingly (only at that time) they think about them, and here are some of their feedback:
– I will refuse cuz I don’t want to be number 10 in his priorities list after his first wife and kids.
– I’m afraid I might accept cuz I’m getting old, I don’t receive other proposals & I’m in a deep physical & emotional need of a husband.
– All my married friends claim that their husbands hint for the second marriage issue, so if that is going to happen anyway, why don’t I accept to be the delightful second wife instead of being the testy first wife?
– Real men are already married, other grooms-to-be are too “soft” to be my MAN.
Then extra-info if you are a Muslim:
1- Polygamy is allowed.
2- Lots –if not most- of the Prophet Companions did it actually.
3- Be true to yourself: if you are claiming to be a good Muslim while actually you don’t like something that doesn’t go with your preferences, then you will have to re-think about that religion.
4- Don’t bother yourself with issues like: he cannot take care of 2 houses, he can never be just,.. If your husband chose to marry another woman, he is the one who will be accounted for that, not you. So concentrate on yourself and leave his judgment to Allah.
By this part of the post, I know you are shocked, but please be honest and spend time & effort in order to see clearly the whole big picture. And after all I’m not promoting for polygamy, I’m just trying to advise you to deal practically with something very common. What if someone is telling you about a successful divorce story, would he/she be promoting for divorce?? No.. We are just trying to get the best out of what we already have.
Anyway, here’s the non magical solution that I’m suggesting: Two parallel workplans at the same time:
ME & WE
The ME plan:
This plan can be applied to anybody, not only a wife “defending” her marriage.
Goal: That I would be a self-controlled, self-satisfied, balanced, happy, productive, closely connected to Allah regardless of being married or not, having kids or not, having a great job or not…
Condition: Do it to live a better life not to stop your husband from re marrying.
What did I tell you before getting married 🙂 ?
1- A clear vision for life
We are not living here forever. It’s a trip. Then eternal life in the place which we chose to invest in.. hopefully Paradise by Allah’s mercy.
Life is a series of tests. Some tests are easy, others are difficult. Some tests are short, others are long.
What if my husband married another woman?? What’s the weight of that “problem” compared to what people face from real problems all over the world? Compared to a Palestinian lady who lost her husband & her sons defending their land? To a young man who lost his eyes defending his freedom in Egypt? To a starving child in Somalia? To a Syrian family who don’t know whether their son is alive or not? …….. etc
Put things in their proper place.
2- Nurture yourself
• When was the last time that you read a book for your own mental interest?
• When was the last time you met your school friends?
• When was the last time you played sports?
• When was the last time you practiced your favourite hobby?
• Have you ever been to a spa? Have you tried massage?
• When was the last time you volunteered?
• When was the last time you attended a lecture? Went to a concert?
• How often do you read Qur’an? Learn tafseer?
• When was the last time you cooked for yourself, your favourite dish?
If you say I don’t have time for that “luxury” then I would tell you that this is the answer of the loosers.
COME ON… Create some time for yourself… You will discover that you are missing important things in life. You are responsible for your happiness, not your husband nor your kids.
The WE Plan:
We said we are happy whether married or not, but that doesn’t mean we’re gonna ignore our husbands. Problems can get you closer than you ever thought.
Goal: Improving our quality of life as a couple. Enjoying this gift that others don’t have.
Condition: Again: Do it to live a better life not to stop your husband from re marrying.
1- Be the woman he fell in love with
Probably he didn’t fell in love with a whining fat frowning depressed lady. Don’t say he is the reason to what I am now. Be responsible, take an action & stop whining.
2- Try to find time for both of you away from the kids. Ask for help from your family, friends, neighbours.. and plan for a dinner with your husband alone, a walk, a trip.. whatever you can afford.
3- Refresh your bed life
Till I find the most proper way to post about this issue, here are some advices:
– Do kegel exercise a lot.
– Drink ginger tea a lot.
– Don’t get frustrated easily and be a strategic planner, if it didn’t go as you wished now, build accumulatively for other “meetings”.
– Since you are reading this now, this means you can go online & search for useful info to boost your sexual life.
4- Avoid listening to love songs or watching romance movies, they are talking about illusions my dear.
Finally, the above so-called plans will not guarantee that your husband will stop thinking of second marriage, but they can guarantee that you will be living a better life, Good luck 🙂